Free Ranging and the Internet: Boy, Do We Have It Wrong

Every week or so, I read another article on the Internet for parents, explaining how to spy on their kids through technology and justifying the behavior with stories of bullied children or teenagers gone wild.

To all of those article writers, parenting "experts", and helicopter-enablers:  I call bullshit.

We, as parents, spend time every day teaching our kids what we consider right and wrong from the moment they are born.  Unless you are in the military and have been deployed the entire time your child has lived, you have role-modeled appropriate behavior for your kids, from putting away your shoes to how you use the Internet.  If you play video games, I guarantee that your kids will love video games.  If you read book, your child will most likely be a book lover.  And I must admit, I love how much my kids want to spend time together talking about life, playing card games, and going on walks.

But at some point, you need to let go.  That means trusting in your own parenting skills and trusting your child.

Trust means that you don't install apps on their computer, tablet, cell phone, or smart phone to track your kid's movements both on line and in real life.  Trust means that you don't read your kid's Facebook page, blog, or other online persona unless you are willingly invited to.  Even then, I would decline the invitation to show that you know your child can handle himself or herself.  Trust means you don't look through the web browser's history to see what web pages your child visited.

Otherwise, you are NOT trusting your child.

In fact, if you look over your child's shoulder in any of these ways, you are telling your child that you do not think he or she is trustworthy.

Period.

Trust is binary - either you trust your kid or you don't trust your kid.  There is no middle ground, no "well, maybe..." in this equation.  Once your kid is old enough - around the age of 10-13 - you have the choice to either reinforced your kid's self-confidence by trusting her, or the choice to treat her as a sneaky, no-good, low-down, dirty liar who simultaneously will break every rule ever given her while forgetting how to protect herself to become an instant victim.

Do you really think that way about your own child?

If you do, then I suggest therapy, for both you and your family.  If you don't, then think about the message you send when you install iGuardian Teen, an instant spy tool for the discerning parent.  The message is "I have no trust that you will obey traffic laws, so I must be aware of every move you make so that I can criticize correct how you drive."

Or the message you send when you install MinorMonitor.  "Personally, I think I did a poor job of raising you to handle the real world.  You clearly will never notice when you get bullied, and if you did notice you would never tell me since I close down lines of communication every chance I get.  So I am monitoring your Twitter and Facebook pages to keep you safe, since you are unequipped and unable to do that yourself."

If you worry about your child's online safety, might I suggest the radical idea of talking to your child about your fears and then listening to him respond to your fears.  Maybe your child already has a strategy to handle online bullies.  Maybe she knows how to distinguish a pervert from a nice person.  And if your kid does not have these skills, then chances are neither do you and the two of you can learn them together.

Before anyone gets upset and starts down the "but I know my kid will see porn/violence/bad stuff", I am not saying that your kids won't see what you consider inappropriate images or "bad stuff".   In fact, finding such bad stuff is a way for your kid to internally begin the emotional break from childhood to adult. Looking at nude people or violence might even help your kid define her own definition of "bad stuff".

So suck it up.  If you ever want your kid to grow into a functioning, healthy adult, you need to act like an adult now and let go.

Trust - It's Not Just for Breakfast Anymore

East Cobb Park - a place to run around and play

For those of you new to my blog, I avidly read and follow the Free Range Kids blog by Lenore Skenazy.  I raise my kids to be free range, roaming our neighborhood and a few surrounding neighborhoods in an effort to help them learn to be self-reliable.  I rail against the fear mongering as propagated through the supposed news media, as every single little potential incident gets blow up and reported as though it was happening it your own backyard.  I rail against the stupidity of school systems which all but ban a child either arriving at school alone or leaving school alone.  After all, what might happen if a child walks home alone or with a friend??  

But today, I want to ask the question - what happened to our trust in society?  What happened to trusting your neighbors, to other humans?

Back in the 1970s and 1980s, I rode my bike or walked to school.  I had friends to talk to sometimes; I had time to think and enjoy nature at other times.  I learned that I was okay by myself, and that I didn't need someone else around for me to be okay.  I met neighbors, both old and young.  I felt like part of a community.

Fast forward to today, and see how much the world has changed.  Moms and dads schedule playdates for their kids, who have no other way of meeting friends.  Some moms even refuse to schedule a playdate if the dad is the only parent present at the other house.  A woman called 9-1-1 to report a man who talked to her daughter.  Yes, the man's only "crime" was speaking to a little girl outside.  (The man was looking for his lost puppy.)  Another woman called 9-1-1 because a van was slowly following the school bus in her neighborhood.  The reason behind this act completely eluded me, since any vehicles following a school bus in a neighborhood drive slowly, or risk hitting a child.  But then I learned the van was driven by a Hispanic man.

What are we really so afraid of?

In Sweden, mothers frequently leave their occupied strollers outside a store if a baby is sleeping or resting happily.  When asked why, the common response is "Why not?  Everyone watches out for babies." The same is true for toddlers, preschoolers, little kids, big kids, and even teens.

So why can't we Americans learn to trust our neighbors, our community, as much as Europeans?

If we trust our neighbors, then our kids can play outside without parents worrying about nebulous danger.  If our kids play outside, they get exercise, get practice making friends, learn how to navigate their own corner of the world, and - most importantly - learn to rely on themselves.  We help our children grow into responsible adults.

But only if we are willing to put down the mantle of fear, and retake the mantle of trust.