The Pendulum Is Swinging Back!!!

If you follow my blog, you know that I am a believer in the free range kid movement.  I think that society focuses on the rare, statistical anomalies in terms of horrible events - "horrible" defined as kids getting kidnapped, murdered, tortured, neglected, or otherwise treated badly.  Crime rates are down from when I was a kid, significantly down in some areas, and today's kids have a bigger chance to get hit by lightning then  get hurt by strangers.

I noticed something this past week.  The fear mongering seems to be going away.  Yes, the media played up that poor girl in Colorado who disappeared, but people still take their kids to the park.  This past Halloween, I saw several groups of  older kids (8+ years old)  walking around without parents.  For younger kids, the parents dressed up in costume and walked with them from house to house.  No one drove their kid around and no one seemed stressed out.

I hope that this is a sign of better attitudes to come.  I hope that parents will realize kids need to run around outside, that kids need some unsupervised time so that they can learn to manage their own activities.  Kids also need to learn, on a gut-level, that they are okay without their parents.

Has anyone else noticed the shift?

Free Ranging and the Internet: Boy, Do We Have It Wrong

Every week or so, I read another article on the Internet for parents, explaining how to spy on their kids through technology and justifying the behavior with stories of bullied children or teenagers gone wild.

To all of those article writers, parenting "experts", and helicopter-enablers:  I call bullshit.

We, as parents, spend time every day teaching our kids what we consider right and wrong from the moment they are born.  Unless you are in the military and have been deployed the entire time your child has lived, you have role-modeled appropriate behavior for your kids, from putting away your shoes to how you use the Internet.  If you play video games, I guarantee that your kids will love video games.  If you read book, your child will most likely be a book lover.  And I must admit, I love how much my kids want to spend time together talking about life, playing card games, and going on walks.

But at some point, you need to let go.  That means trusting in your own parenting skills and trusting your child.

Trust means that you don't install apps on their computer, tablet, cell phone, or smart phone to track your kid's movements both on line and in real life.  Trust means that you don't read your kid's Facebook page, blog, or other online persona unless you are willingly invited to.  Even then, I would decline the invitation to show that you know your child can handle himself or herself.  Trust means you don't look through the web browser's history to see what web pages your child visited.

Otherwise, you are NOT trusting your child.

In fact, if you look over your child's shoulder in any of these ways, you are telling your child that you do not think he or she is trustworthy.

Period.

Trust is binary - either you trust your kid or you don't trust your kid.  There is no middle ground, no "well, maybe..." in this equation.  Once your kid is old enough - around the age of 10-13 - you have the choice to either reinforced your kid's self-confidence by trusting her, or the choice to treat her as a sneaky, no-good, low-down, dirty liar who simultaneously will break every rule ever given her while forgetting how to protect herself to become an instant victim.

Do you really think that way about your own child?

If you do, then I suggest therapy, for both you and your family.  If you don't, then think about the message you send when you install iGuardian Teen, an instant spy tool for the discerning parent.  The message is "I have no trust that you will obey traffic laws, so I must be aware of every move you make so that I can criticize correct how you drive."

Or the message you send when you install MinorMonitor.  "Personally, I think I did a poor job of raising you to handle the real world.  You clearly will never notice when you get bullied, and if you did notice you would never tell me since I close down lines of communication every chance I get.  So I am monitoring your Twitter and Facebook pages to keep you safe, since you are unequipped and unable to do that yourself."

If you worry about your child's online safety, might I suggest the radical idea of talking to your child about your fears and then listening to him respond to your fears.  Maybe your child already has a strategy to handle online bullies.  Maybe she knows how to distinguish a pervert from a nice person.  And if your kid does not have these skills, then chances are neither do you and the two of you can learn them together.

Before anyone gets upset and starts down the "but I know my kid will see porn/violence/bad stuff", I am not saying that your kids won't see what you consider inappropriate images or "bad stuff".   In fact, finding such bad stuff is a way for your kid to internally begin the emotional break from childhood to adult. Looking at nude people or violence might even help your kid define her own definition of "bad stuff".

So suck it up.  If you ever want your kid to grow into a functioning, healthy adult, you need to act like an adult now and let go.

Golden Rules for Saying "No"

Child's View of the word "No"

Children test out their boundaries and rules as a normal part of growing up.  Enforcing the boundaries and rules, while occasionally stressful, leads children to feel safe and protected.  One of the common ways a parent administers the boundaries and rules of their family is use the simple word, "no".   But the aftermath of that statement ranges from a simple pout to full blown temper tantrums.

How you handle the reaction to a "no" varies from a toddler (who you hopefully distract) to a teenager (who you expect to put on his big boy pants and deal).  But there are two golden rules for saying "no" itself:

1. Only say "no" if you mean it.  - This boils down to the fact that a parent needs to be thoughtful about each and every "no".  It is amazingly easy to use either "yes" or "no" as a default answer, but default answers lead to situations where you either say "yes" or "no" when the other answer is the more appropriate answer.  This leads to breaking rule #2...
2. Never back down from a "no". - Kids learn quickly whether a parent can be whined (or pestered or begged)  out of a "no" answer.  So if you say "no", you have to stick to your guns, especially with young children (who tend to test this more).  

These rules actually help set up and enforce one of an important parent boundaries.  I call it:  "The Mommy said No, Do Not Ask Again  or There Will Be Consequences." boundary.  

Okay, there is a third rule that applies, but this one applies to every parenting situation - the United Parental Front (or UPF). But that's a different post.

Traveling Rules for a Family

To those who don't know, I am a *big* fan of the Free Range Kid movement.  I feel that society artificially pumps up the fear in every situation that involves children, until children themselves feel scared to go outside.  

Well, I work hard to get my kids' ready for the world and not scared of society at large.  I even follow the Free Range Kids blog.  The following rules and responsibilities appeared in the blog, and I love them so much that I am passing them on.

Ambler Family Travel Rules and Responsibilities

1. It’s good to talk to strangers.  The outside world is full of them.  The place you don’t have to deal with them is at home, which is where people who can’t cope with strangers will stay next time.
2. Each traveler is responsible for finding things to be excited about, and sharing that enthusiasm.
3. If the enthusiasm of others embarrasses you, pretend otherwise.  Being cool is dull, except in a sports car.
4. Unusual foods are part of the point.
5. Staying home is usually more comfortable than traveling, but traveling is more interesting.  Prioritize well.
6. Travel disruptions are normal and a good way to show your readiness for more challenging adventures.
7. Remember that your dislikes do not make interesting conversation.
8. Wash your hands.  You have no immunity to foreign germs.  Throwing up is not interesting.
9. You have travel in your future that you can not even imagine.  Adhering to these guidelines makes you eligible for such travel.

Patterson Amendment:  Always try to use the toilet when stopping the car.  We really will get there faster if we stop fewer times.

How You Can Help Your Child With Homework

     Now that you have a good environment ready for your child to do homework, the question arises as to how to help your child with her homework.  Before you begin,  I have one word of advice.  

You are a parent, not a teacher.  

     Even if you are a teacher, you are a parent first when helping your child with homework. This means:  

• You do not correct the homework, unless you have specific instructions from the teacher.  
• If your child misses the majority of the problems, send a note to the teacher and let her handle it.  
• If your child is struggling and doesn’t want your help, stand back and let your child handle it.  
• If your child struggles for too long, stop her, send a note to the teacher, and let the teacher handle it..

    Homework lets the teacher know if a student understands what’s being taught, but only if you, the parent, don’t correct the homework yourself.  In other words:

• Your job is to make sure the homework gets complete and to communicate to the teacher about any problems.  
• Your teacher’s job is to correct the homework and work on any comprehension problems with your child.  
• Your child’s job is to do the homework to the best of his or her ability and ask for help when appropriate.

Before Homework...

    Before your child begins homework, you need to ensure that he has enough emotional energy to actually do the work.  That means your child needs to be neither too hungry nor too tired, since    either condition lessens your child’s ability to cope.  

     For a child who exits the school bus looking to consume any and everything in his path, afternoon snacks are a must.  Peanut butter with either apple slices or graham crackers, cheese toast, and yogurt with granola are a few of the favorite afternoon snacks at my house.  The actual foods don’t matter as long as you have some protein and some carbohydrates.  You can even turn afternoon snacks into subtle nutrition, math, and finance lessons by letting your child help out.  Menu planning requires discussion on nutrition, figuring out how much to buy requires some math, and shopping for the ingredients involves money.

     As for sleep, I admit that  you can’t do anything about a child who is too tired in the afternoon.  Children need a regular sleep schedule.  If you notice your child has circles under her eyes or seems unable to focus or stay on task, then you need to consider moving your child’s bedtime forward.  Even a change of 15 minutes has been shown to help children perform better in school.

During Homework...

    Children need various things from you while doing their homework.  Younger children might need you to sit next to them, for confidence and to answer the occasional question.  Older children might need you to play music, or keep the area quiet.  Sometimes children need help on projects; sometimes they want you to go away and let them handle it themselves.  Whatever the particular situation, there are a few rules for you to follow:

1. You should only do what your child cannot.  

When both of my children went to kindergarten, we had family art projects once a month.  Even though these projects were family oriented, I let my child lead each project and make the important decisions. For example, my daughter needed to create a family snowman for December.  She picked out a tartan to represent our Scottish heritage and  a coat of arms for our German heritage, among other decorations.  I printed out the images and cut them to the appropriate size, but my daughter glued everything to the snowman and did the rest of the decorating herself.  By splitting the work up that way, she felt ownership for the snowman.

2. Offer help when your child asks for it or seems lost...

Okay, okay, I know I said that it’s the teacher’s job to help your child with comprehension problems.  But sometimes a child gets stuck, or needs reassurance that she’s doing the problem correctly.  That’s where you come it.  

Let’s say your child is doing a math worksheet, and comes to you stuck on a problem.  Is it the first problem?  If yes, find out how stuck she is.  If she has no clue, skip the worksheet and send a note to the teachers.  If she thinks she knows what to do, but she’s just learning the math concept (such as long division), then watch her go through the steps.  It’s very possible that your presence and reassurance are all that she needs.  If the problem is halfway through the homework, look at the rest of the answers.  If she got everything right, then helping her get over one problem is no big deal.  If she got every other answer wrong, then stop her and send a note to the teacher, because you really do not want her to learn how to do math the incorrect way.

3. But stand back if your child doesn’t want help.

Remember, you want your child to learn responsibility for his or her own homework.  That means if your child wants to continue without your help, you have to bite the bullet and stand down.  If your child asks for help, but then says that he can do it alone, let him.  If he seems frustrated but says he can figure it out, let him.  If he works on a problem for too long, ask him if he needs help, but be prepared to honor a “no” answer as much as you would a “yes” answer.

I know from experience that it is very difficult to stand by and let your child struggle with homework, especially if you know a shortcut to help out or if it is one of your strong subjects.  But children need to learn how to stand on their own.  Period.  As their parent, you need to support this.  A child who overcomes his own struggles will learn to persevere, which is what we ultimately want our children to learn.

4. Create your own example problems to avoid doing your child’s homework.

Your child is doing long division for the first time, and asks you to help explain the steps involved before she starts working.  This situation sets up what I consider a classic homework quandary for parents - how to help out without doing any of the homework yourself.

The answer to this quandary is simple - create a brand-new, not in her homework problem for the two of you to work out.  If your child is multiplying two digit numbers, pick two new number and walk through the multiplication.  If your child is doing long division, reminder her that “Dirty Monkeys Smell Bad” (divide, multiply, subtract, bring down) and create a new different problem to practice on.  If your child does not seem to understand after one or two practice problems, stop the math homework and send a note to the teacher.  Be happy that you tried, and even more happy that you didn’t inadvertently do any homework problems.

5. Dance!  Do Jumping Jacks!  Wiggle! (after each assignment, that is.)

Recent work in neurology shows that the part of the brain responsible for processing motion and movement also processing learning.  That means a quick way to re-energize your child’s brain in the middle of homework is movement.  Put on a dance tune and boogie with your child.  Do some jumping jacks together, or wiggle around for a few minutes between homework assignments or after 15 minutes of concentration.  Not only will this help your child focus better, but it’s a great activity to do together.

6. Praise your child for attempting each problem.

Children need to be praised for attempting problems, regardless of the outcome or the correctness of the answer.  

7. Stop all homework when your child hits burnout.

Homework is helpful up to the point of burnout.  By burnout, I mean that a child is out of mental and emotional energy.  Burnout leaves a child tired, angry, and out of internal coping resources.  Every homework study I’ve read warns about burnout, because not only does it hurt homework for the night, but children who hit burnout also do poorly  the next day at school.  If you notice your child is heading to burnout, stop him immediately and send a note to the teacher.  

8. Establish the habit that homework is not done until it’s back in the backpack.

It is far too easy for a child to finish all of the problems on a worksheet and then leave the worksheet on the kitchen table.  Then you spend the evening chasing your child down, admonishing him to put his homework away.  You can avoid this scenario completely if you establish from the get-go that homework does not count as “complete” until it is return to the backpack, along with any notes for or from the teacher and every other item needed for school the next day.

9. Remember, Cobb County has a 10-minute per grade level homework policy.

If your child routinely has more than 10-minutes per grade level worth of homework, you need to schedule a parent-teacher conference to understand why and fix the situation.  I assume that Cobb County based it’s homework policy on national standards and homework studies that show too much homework creates burnout.  It is your job, as a parent, to enforce this standard for your child.

After Homework...

    Congratulations!  You and your child made it all the way through homework.  I don’t have any routine activities to perform after homework, but about once every week or two I check on the homework supplies.  Do we still have enough sharpened pencils?  Erasers?  If you put effort into reviewing your homework supplies proactively, you can avoid the “But I can’t find scissors!” situation.

Next week, I’ll discuss how to be your child’s advocate.     


    

Homework, Homework, Everywhere...

As the school year progresses, the dread of homework creeps upon us.  I am certain that you’ve heard (or will hear) whining and complaining along the lines of, “This is too hard!” or “I don’t want to do homework!” So how can you help your child do homework without starting a knock-down, drag-out fight over it?

I’ve written a series of articles on homework based on research in neurology, how the brain learns, and personal experience.  The articles cover:

• How much should you help
• How to set up a homework friendly environment
• How to help your child without doing the homework yourself
• Where to find online resources for both you and your child
• How to be your child’s advocate over homework

The first thing you must determine is how much help your child truly needs.  Like most things in childhood, the younger the child, the more you need to be involved hands on.  This means that in general, younger children need more parental involvement that older children.

Kindergarten through First Grade:  You’ll need to sit next to your child during homework, giving her instructions such as “Write your name at the top of the paper” every night and offering encouragement.  Plan on doing homework at approximately the same time every afternoon, to teach your child the habit.

Second and Third Grade:  At the beginning of the year, you will still need to sit down with your child.  But within the first few weeks, stop sitting down and let you child tackle his homework on his own.  Just be available during homework to answer any questions and give encouragement.  

I suggest you still sit down and go over the homework with your child in second grade in detail.  But by third grade, a quick question of “So how much homework do you have?” will suffice.   The point of either activity isn’t to give you an idea of the homework, but to give your child an idea of how much he has at the end of the day.  This step moves him along the path to independently done homework.  

Fourth and Fifth Grade:  You finally reached the point where you can say, “Okay, it’s time to start your homework.”  Your child now knows:

• How to do homework,
• Where to do homework,
• Where you keep supplies,
• How to gauge the amount of homework, and
• When to do homework.

You will need to teach your child how to schedule projects, since most school do not hand out big at-home projects before fourth grade.  I suggest you pull out a calendar and discuss how to divide the amount of work reasonably over the available time period.  Then have your child write down the results so that she can track them independently.  

Sixth Grade and Up:  Here’s where the rubber meets the road.  Sometime during your child’s middle school years, you need to stand back and stop doing homework.  Stop asking your child how much homework he has, stop arranging time for his homework (unless he requests the time), stop everything.  This is the moment you’ve been waiting for (or dreading) - your child now can independently do his homework.

At the beginning of my son’s sixth grade year, we gave him a choice.  Either we would still schedule his homework for him and sometimes check his work for completion, or he could take over and be responsible for his homework.  He choose the latter; that meant that he needed to manage his own time after school to get his homework done.  

How did that experiment turn out?  

Wonderfully!  My son ran into trouble a few times, as he learned how to manage his time.  But we kept our noses out of his homework, and he made honor roll twice in sixth grade, and remained in his advanced classes for seventh grade.  

Was it easy for me to give up control?

No!!  While I told my son that I had every confidence in his capability to handle homework, inside I feared the nightmare  - a report card full of Ds and F with a child who learned nothing.  I feared behavior problems, arguments over computers and chores springing up randomly, meteors falling out of the sky onto our house, heavy rains of cats and dogs, earthquakes splitting the ground open to form a volcano in downtown Marietta...

But none of that happened.  To forestall any arguments over video games, we gave my son a timer and a set amount of computer time per day.  He can use the time whenever he wants, so long as he does not go over his allotment.  Not only did arguments over chores not appear, he now chooses to take out the garbage over starting homework - an unforeseen bonus that leaves my house smelling that much cleaner.  As for the cataclysms?  There is still a dearth of active volcanoes in our area.

I know that someone out there reading this will think, “But my child isn’t ready for the responsibility.” Let me tell you a little story.  Back in the mid-1990s, some parenting experts started recommending that no one potty trains their children until the ages of 4 ½ or 5.  The experts said that waiting allowed the parents to have more meaningful conversations with their children on the subject.  Sounds logical, right?

Wrong.  Waiting on potty training taught the children to pee and poo in their pants.  Children’s brains are wired to learn certain activities at certain ages, and you don’t have much of a choice about it.  A child will walk when he’s ready, talk when he’s ready, learn to read when he’s ready, and learn to use a toilet when he’s ready.

Your child also learns responsibility at a certain age.  She learns to dress herself, feed herself, pick up her toys, put her dishes in the dishwasher,...  Learning to be responsible for homework is just another stepping stone on the trip from infant to independent adult.

I know several parents who gave up the reins of homework, and enjoyed their children’s school years more because of it.  I also know several parents who did not hand over the responsibility, and these people paid for it in middle school and  high school.  Their children had learned not to be responsible for their own homework, not to think about it or schedule for it.  Epic battles occurred in their homes over homework, and nobody won.

One final note to my story - I still help my son when he asks for help.  Sometimes he gets a big project and needs help figuring out the schedule.  Sometimes he needs unusual school supplies.  And sometimes, he needs to be excused from a family activity.  The message here is that I still support my son.  But I let him tell me what he needs instead of my butting-in and looking for what I can do.