Trust - It's Not Just for Breakfast Anymore

East Cobb Park - a place to run around and play

For those of you new to my blog, I avidly read and follow the Free Range Kids blog by Lenore Skenazy.  I raise my kids to be free range, roaming our neighborhood and a few surrounding neighborhoods in an effort to help them learn to be self-reliable.  I rail against the fear mongering as propagated through the supposed news media, as every single little potential incident gets blow up and reported as though it was happening it your own backyard.  I rail against the stupidity of school systems which all but ban a child either arriving at school alone or leaving school alone.  After all, what might happen if a child walks home alone or with a friend??  

But today, I want to ask the question - what happened to our trust in society?  What happened to trusting your neighbors, to other humans?

Back in the 1970s and 1980s, I rode my bike or walked to school.  I had friends to talk to sometimes; I had time to think and enjoy nature at other times.  I learned that I was okay by myself, and that I didn't need someone else around for me to be okay.  I met neighbors, both old and young.  I felt like part of a community.

Fast forward to today, and see how much the world has changed.  Moms and dads schedule playdates for their kids, who have no other way of meeting friends.  Some moms even refuse to schedule a playdate if the dad is the only parent present at the other house.  A woman called 9-1-1 to report a man who talked to her daughter.  Yes, the man's only "crime" was speaking to a little girl outside.  (The man was looking for his lost puppy.)  Another woman called 9-1-1 because a van was slowly following the school bus in her neighborhood.  The reason behind this act completely eluded me, since any vehicles following a school bus in a neighborhood drive slowly, or risk hitting a child.  But then I learned the van was driven by a Hispanic man.

What are we really so afraid of?

In Sweden, mothers frequently leave their occupied strollers outside a store if a baby is sleeping or resting happily.  When asked why, the common response is "Why not?  Everyone watches out for babies." The same is true for toddlers, preschoolers, little kids, big kids, and even teens.

So why can't we Americans learn to trust our neighbors, our community, as much as Europeans?

If we trust our neighbors, then our kids can play outside without parents worrying about nebulous danger.  If our kids play outside, they get exercise, get practice making friends, learn how to navigate their own corner of the world, and - most importantly - learn to rely on themselves.  We help our children grow into responsible adults.

But only if we are willing to put down the mantle of fear, and retake the mantle of trust.

How To Be Your Child's Advocate

It is the job of every parent to be an advocate for their child or children - this message comes across in society through media and adult peer pressure.  But rarely does the message contain how to be an advocate.  Do you stand up for your child in every circumstance, always believing every word your child reports to you?  Do you stand next to the teacher, never believing what your child tells you?  What exactly does "being your child's advocate" really mean?

As a mother who has had a child in Cobb County schools for a combined total of 19 years, I learned how to be an advocate for my children the hard way, through trial and error, blood, sweat, and tears.  This is what I learned, in a nutshell.

For 180 days, you, your child, and your child's teacher work as a team with the goal being a happy and productive school year for your child.  That means that if a problem arises, all three of you need to work together to fix the problem.  The team works the best when no one is trying to assign blame to another team member, but everyone accepts responsibility for their own actions.  You will need to role model accepting responsibility for your child, since you are one of the biggest, most important role models in your child's life.

For 180 days, this team exists.  But only you and your child move on to form a new team next year.  This means that you are the only adult continuously on this team, privy to knowledge both of your child and past history at the school.  This is why you are your child’s advocate.

Now, what I’m about to tell you is the secret for being an advocate - the knowledge that most of us had to learn the hard way.  The crucial job as your child’s advocate is to communicate with the teacher and the school both proactively and reactively, and to not stop communicating if an issue is not settled to your satisfaction.

That’s it.  It really is that simple.  But let’s go over two examples of being your child’s advocate.

First, proactively communicating with the teachers.  One of my children learns spelling words by either saying the letters out loud, or singing the letters.  So at the beginning of every year, I always sit down with the teacher and explain this.   Every year, my child’s spelling homework changes to accommodate her learning style.  

Second, reactively communicating with the teachers.  Let’s say your son comes home and declares, “My teacher hates me!  She picked on me in the hallway for talking and completely ignored everyone else talking!”  First you must discount what your child tells you.  Or as a teacher friend of mine says, “I promise not to believe everything your child says about home, if you promise not to believe everything he says about school.”  

Children, especially young children, see the world from a very me-centric viewpoint.  That means that your child can tell you the absolute truth from his perspective and still leave out important information.  If your child ever comes home and says something outrageous,  question him for more details if you are worried.  Personally, I would worry about this situation, because regardless of the teacher’s behavior, your child may not feel safe in the classroom. Feeling safe is important for your child’s success, so I would call the teacher and talk to her.  

Let her know that you merely wanted another perspective on the situation.  Chances are there has been a miscommunication somewhere, or your child misunderstood what was happening.  By communicating with the teacher, not only can you clear up this particular situation, but may prevent future problems as you, your child, and his teacher get a better understanding of each other.

99% of the time, when you speak with the teacher, you’ll discover that your son was yelling, or that she did tell everyone to stop talking.  99% of the time you’ll be happy after a phone call or email with the teacher.  Then you can sit down with your son, explain what happened, and work it out.

But that leaves the 1% of the time that you are not happy.  The teacher might start harping on how loud your son is, raising an internal warning flag.  Or the teacher might blow off the incident, saying your son needs to just be quiet and not worry about the other children.  (Note:  This might sound logical, but it does not exist in reality.  Everyone worries about themselves in relation to others.)  Here is where the tough part of being an advocate kicks in.  You need to schedule a parent/teacher conference with the teacher to further discuss the situation.  If you cannot resolve it with the teacher after a conference, then and only then do you escalate to the administration.  

I hope that you never get to the place where you must involve the principal.  But if you do, make notes and take them with you about the situation.  Schedule an appointment with the principal including the teacher, and present your concerns.  If possible, present what you feel are reasonable solutions to your concerns.  If the situation gets resolved, wonderful.  But if you still are not happy, do not let up.  Even if it gets to the point where you want your child moved to a different classroom, you need to keep going.  

To be honest, this is an extreme case.  In my experience here in Cobb County,I have only had to move a child once.  And the vast majority of my friends never had to go that far.  A simple conversation with a teacher covers almost any situation 99% of the time.  But as your child’s advocate, you need to be willing to go as far as needed.  

Here is the second secret about being your child’s advocate - parents wield immense power in the school system.  You have several rights and responsibilities.  According to the Board Administrative handbook (available http://www.cobbk12.org/), the school is responsible  for “...Providing particular attention to situations in which the educational welfare of  students may be jeopardized.”   Emotional security is an intangible part of the classroom  environment, but without it a child will not succeed.  So if you feel that the school administration will not listen to you, pull out the handbook and force the issue.  

I can tell you that I have never had to push the local school administration to handle a problem.  

Never. Ever.  

The school administration wants everyone to be satisfied with the solution, because in the end that will lead to more success for the student.

That is the nutshell version of how to be your child’s advocate.  Please let me know if you have any questions, and I will try to answer them.

How You Can Help Your Child With Homework

     Now that you have a good environment ready for your child to do homework, the question arises as to how to help your child with her homework.  Before you begin,  I have one word of advice.  

You are a parent, not a teacher.  

     Even if you are a teacher, you are a parent first when helping your child with homework. This means:  

• You do not correct the homework, unless you have specific instructions from the teacher.  
• If your child misses the majority of the problems, send a note to the teacher and let her handle it.  
• If your child is struggling and doesn’t want your help, stand back and let your child handle it.  
• If your child struggles for too long, stop her, send a note to the teacher, and let the teacher handle it..

    Homework lets the teacher know if a student understands what’s being taught, but only if you, the parent, don’t correct the homework yourself.  In other words:

• Your job is to make sure the homework gets complete and to communicate to the teacher about any problems.  
• Your teacher’s job is to correct the homework and work on any comprehension problems with your child.  
• Your child’s job is to do the homework to the best of his or her ability and ask for help when appropriate.

Before Homework...

    Before your child begins homework, you need to ensure that he has enough emotional energy to actually do the work.  That means your child needs to be neither too hungry nor too tired, since    either condition lessens your child’s ability to cope.  

     For a child who exits the school bus looking to consume any and everything in his path, afternoon snacks are a must.  Peanut butter with either apple slices or graham crackers, cheese toast, and yogurt with granola are a few of the favorite afternoon snacks at my house.  The actual foods don’t matter as long as you have some protein and some carbohydrates.  You can even turn afternoon snacks into subtle nutrition, math, and finance lessons by letting your child help out.  Menu planning requires discussion on nutrition, figuring out how much to buy requires some math, and shopping for the ingredients involves money.

     As for sleep, I admit that  you can’t do anything about a child who is too tired in the afternoon.  Children need a regular sleep schedule.  If you notice your child has circles under her eyes or seems unable to focus or stay on task, then you need to consider moving your child’s bedtime forward.  Even a change of 15 minutes has been shown to help children perform better in school.

During Homework...

    Children need various things from you while doing their homework.  Younger children might need you to sit next to them, for confidence and to answer the occasional question.  Older children might need you to play music, or keep the area quiet.  Sometimes children need help on projects; sometimes they want you to go away and let them handle it themselves.  Whatever the particular situation, there are a few rules for you to follow:

1. You should only do what your child cannot.  

When both of my children went to kindergarten, we had family art projects once a month.  Even though these projects were family oriented, I let my child lead each project and make the important decisions. For example, my daughter needed to create a family snowman for December.  She picked out a tartan to represent our Scottish heritage and  a coat of arms for our German heritage, among other decorations.  I printed out the images and cut them to the appropriate size, but my daughter glued everything to the snowman and did the rest of the decorating herself.  By splitting the work up that way, she felt ownership for the snowman.

2. Offer help when your child asks for it or seems lost...

Okay, okay, I know I said that it’s the teacher’s job to help your child with comprehension problems.  But sometimes a child gets stuck, or needs reassurance that she’s doing the problem correctly.  That’s where you come it.  

Let’s say your child is doing a math worksheet, and comes to you stuck on a problem.  Is it the first problem?  If yes, find out how stuck she is.  If she has no clue, skip the worksheet and send a note to the teachers.  If she thinks she knows what to do, but she’s just learning the math concept (such as long division), then watch her go through the steps.  It’s very possible that your presence and reassurance are all that she needs.  If the problem is halfway through the homework, look at the rest of the answers.  If she got everything right, then helping her get over one problem is no big deal.  If she got every other answer wrong, then stop her and send a note to the teacher, because you really do not want her to learn how to do math the incorrect way.

3. But stand back if your child doesn’t want help.

Remember, you want your child to learn responsibility for his or her own homework.  That means if your child wants to continue without your help, you have to bite the bullet and stand down.  If your child asks for help, but then says that he can do it alone, let him.  If he seems frustrated but says he can figure it out, let him.  If he works on a problem for too long, ask him if he needs help, but be prepared to honor a “no” answer as much as you would a “yes” answer.

I know from experience that it is very difficult to stand by and let your child struggle with homework, especially if you know a shortcut to help out or if it is one of your strong subjects.  But children need to learn how to stand on their own.  Period.  As their parent, you need to support this.  A child who overcomes his own struggles will learn to persevere, which is what we ultimately want our children to learn.

4. Create your own example problems to avoid doing your child’s homework.

Your child is doing long division for the first time, and asks you to help explain the steps involved before she starts working.  This situation sets up what I consider a classic homework quandary for parents - how to help out without doing any of the homework yourself.

The answer to this quandary is simple - create a brand-new, not in her homework problem for the two of you to work out.  If your child is multiplying two digit numbers, pick two new number and walk through the multiplication.  If your child is doing long division, reminder her that “Dirty Monkeys Smell Bad” (divide, multiply, subtract, bring down) and create a new different problem to practice on.  If your child does not seem to understand after one or two practice problems, stop the math homework and send a note to the teacher.  Be happy that you tried, and even more happy that you didn’t inadvertently do any homework problems.

5. Dance!  Do Jumping Jacks!  Wiggle! (after each assignment, that is.)

Recent work in neurology shows that the part of the brain responsible for processing motion and movement also processing learning.  That means a quick way to re-energize your child’s brain in the middle of homework is movement.  Put on a dance tune and boogie with your child.  Do some jumping jacks together, or wiggle around for a few minutes between homework assignments or after 15 minutes of concentration.  Not only will this help your child focus better, but it’s a great activity to do together.

6. Praise your child for attempting each problem.

Children need to be praised for attempting problems, regardless of the outcome or the correctness of the answer.  

7. Stop all homework when your child hits burnout.

Homework is helpful up to the point of burnout.  By burnout, I mean that a child is out of mental and emotional energy.  Burnout leaves a child tired, angry, and out of internal coping resources.  Every homework study I’ve read warns about burnout, because not only does it hurt homework for the night, but children who hit burnout also do poorly  the next day at school.  If you notice your child is heading to burnout, stop him immediately and send a note to the teacher.  

8. Establish the habit that homework is not done until it’s back in the backpack.

It is far too easy for a child to finish all of the problems on a worksheet and then leave the worksheet on the kitchen table.  Then you spend the evening chasing your child down, admonishing him to put his homework away.  You can avoid this scenario completely if you establish from the get-go that homework does not count as “complete” until it is return to the backpack, along with any notes for or from the teacher and every other item needed for school the next day.

9. Remember, Cobb County has a 10-minute per grade level homework policy.

If your child routinely has more than 10-minutes per grade level worth of homework, you need to schedule a parent-teacher conference to understand why and fix the situation.  I assume that Cobb County based it’s homework policy on national standards and homework studies that show too much homework creates burnout.  It is your job, as a parent, to enforce this standard for your child.

After Homework...

    Congratulations!  You and your child made it all the way through homework.  I don’t have any routine activities to perform after homework, but about once every week or two I check on the homework supplies.  Do we still have enough sharpened pencils?  Erasers?  If you put effort into reviewing your homework supplies proactively, you can avoid the “But I can’t find scissors!” situation.

Next week, I’ll discuss how to be your child’s advocate.     


    

Homework, Homework, Everywhere...

As the school year progresses, the dread of homework creeps upon us.  I am certain that you’ve heard (or will hear) whining and complaining along the lines of, “This is too hard!” or “I don’t want to do homework!” So how can you help your child do homework without starting a knock-down, drag-out fight over it?

I’ve written a series of articles on homework based on research in neurology, how the brain learns, and personal experience.  The articles cover:

• How much should you help
• How to set up a homework friendly environment
• How to help your child without doing the homework yourself
• Where to find online resources for both you and your child
• How to be your child’s advocate over homework

The first thing you must determine is how much help your child truly needs.  Like most things in childhood, the younger the child, the more you need to be involved hands on.  This means that in general, younger children need more parental involvement that older children.

Kindergarten through First Grade:  You’ll need to sit next to your child during homework, giving her instructions such as “Write your name at the top of the paper” every night and offering encouragement.  Plan on doing homework at approximately the same time every afternoon, to teach your child the habit.

Second and Third Grade:  At the beginning of the year, you will still need to sit down with your child.  But within the first few weeks, stop sitting down and let you child tackle his homework on his own.  Just be available during homework to answer any questions and give encouragement.  

I suggest you still sit down and go over the homework with your child in second grade in detail.  But by third grade, a quick question of “So how much homework do you have?” will suffice.   The point of either activity isn’t to give you an idea of the homework, but to give your child an idea of how much he has at the end of the day.  This step moves him along the path to independently done homework.  

Fourth and Fifth Grade:  You finally reached the point where you can say, “Okay, it’s time to start your homework.”  Your child now knows:

• How to do homework,
• Where to do homework,
• Where you keep supplies,
• How to gauge the amount of homework, and
• When to do homework.

You will need to teach your child how to schedule projects, since most school do not hand out big at-home projects before fourth grade.  I suggest you pull out a calendar and discuss how to divide the amount of work reasonably over the available time period.  Then have your child write down the results so that she can track them independently.  

Sixth Grade and Up:  Here’s where the rubber meets the road.  Sometime during your child’s middle school years, you need to stand back and stop doing homework.  Stop asking your child how much homework he has, stop arranging time for his homework (unless he requests the time), stop everything.  This is the moment you’ve been waiting for (or dreading) - your child now can independently do his homework.

At the beginning of my son’s sixth grade year, we gave him a choice.  Either we would still schedule his homework for him and sometimes check his work for completion, or he could take over and be responsible for his homework.  He choose the latter; that meant that he needed to manage his own time after school to get his homework done.  

How did that experiment turn out?  

Wonderfully!  My son ran into trouble a few times, as he learned how to manage his time.  But we kept our noses out of his homework, and he made honor roll twice in sixth grade, and remained in his advanced classes for seventh grade.  

Was it easy for me to give up control?

No!!  While I told my son that I had every confidence in his capability to handle homework, inside I feared the nightmare  - a report card full of Ds and F with a child who learned nothing.  I feared behavior problems, arguments over computers and chores springing up randomly, meteors falling out of the sky onto our house, heavy rains of cats and dogs, earthquakes splitting the ground open to form a volcano in downtown Marietta...

But none of that happened.  To forestall any arguments over video games, we gave my son a timer and a set amount of computer time per day.  He can use the time whenever he wants, so long as he does not go over his allotment.  Not only did arguments over chores not appear, he now chooses to take out the garbage over starting homework - an unforeseen bonus that leaves my house smelling that much cleaner.  As for the cataclysms?  There is still a dearth of active volcanoes in our area.

I know that someone out there reading this will think, “But my child isn’t ready for the responsibility.” Let me tell you a little story.  Back in the mid-1990s, some parenting experts started recommending that no one potty trains their children until the ages of 4 ½ or 5.  The experts said that waiting allowed the parents to have more meaningful conversations with their children on the subject.  Sounds logical, right?

Wrong.  Waiting on potty training taught the children to pee and poo in their pants.  Children’s brains are wired to learn certain activities at certain ages, and you don’t have much of a choice about it.  A child will walk when he’s ready, talk when he’s ready, learn to read when he’s ready, and learn to use a toilet when he’s ready.

Your child also learns responsibility at a certain age.  She learns to dress herself, feed herself, pick up her toys, put her dishes in the dishwasher,...  Learning to be responsible for homework is just another stepping stone on the trip from infant to independent adult.

I know several parents who gave up the reins of homework, and enjoyed their children’s school years more because of it.  I also know several parents who did not hand over the responsibility, and these people paid for it in middle school and  high school.  Their children had learned not to be responsible for their own homework, not to think about it or schedule for it.  Epic battles occurred in their homes over homework, and nobody won.

One final note to my story - I still help my son when he asks for help.  Sometimes he gets a big project and needs help figuring out the schedule.  Sometimes he needs unusual school supplies.  And sometimes, he needs to be excused from a family activity.  The message here is that I still support my son.  But I let him tell me what he needs instead of my butting-in and looking for what I can do.